Excerpts from the

remarkable literary work

"HOW TO PRACTICE

VOLKS

MANSHIP

WITHOUT BEING AN ABSOLUTE SCHLMPFH."

by Trenchant Q. Sauerkraut

World's Greatest

Living Volksman

Copyright 1958, Riviera Motors, Inc,

Prepared by Compton Advertising, Inc.

INTRODUCTION

Of all the modern social arts, Volksmanship is both the most fascinating and the easiest to master. But Volksmanship is not for everyone. You've got to have what it takes -- namely, a Volkswagen. Once you have achieved this, the rest is easy and depends upon your quick wit, charm, brilliance, sex appeal, natural snobbery, consummate nerve and thick skin.

It also helps if you follow the rules.

Because Volksmanship is the natural calling of every Volkswagen owner, the art of Volksmanship in America began with the arrival of the first Volkswagen automobile. It was first practiced on the Informal, or "Rathskellar" Basis (see page 10, footnote 35). Unfortunately, even today, many otherwise sincere and potentially great Volksmen still use these Informal tactics. They do not realize that Volksmanship HAS GROWN UP. Today, it is a highly civilized art, and anyone who does not follow carefully the principles and practices of Established Volksmanship can never expect to achieve greatness as a Volksman. He will always remain a Schlmpfh.

BASIC VOLKSMANSHIP ATTITUDE

It is safe to say that every person who owns a Volkswagen automobile already practices Volksmanship in one form or another. He is naturally proud of his Volkswagen, happy with it. ready and willing to defend it against attacks per­taining to its shape, size, and the fact that it does not have a wrap-around windshield. Furthermore, his DEEPEST INSTINCTS tell him to take POSITIVE ACTION in seeing that those around him are aware of the happiness, econ­omy, pride, notoriety, and higher howl­ing scores which are the natural results of Volkswagen ownership. He is always on the lookout for the "Willing Ear" (see marginal note, page 1170), and loses no opportunity to Badger, Heckle or Gloat —three primary Volksmanship tactics. This, of course, is the Essence of Volks­manship, and, if properly nurtured, can he easily moulded into Volksmanship of the highest and most successful kind.

HOW TO  PROCEED

Once you have set your mind to achiev­ing Master Volksmanship, and set your feet UPON THE PATH, you will un­doubtedly find it so much fun that even the most adverse circumstances (i.e. Not Being Able to Get a Bridge Foursome Up, Being Cut in the Street by Old Friends, etc.—see "Pitfalls," Chapter 4) could cause you to turn back from your goal.

No Volksman has ever failed to find supreme pleasure in the Tactics you will use most often—and with the greatest success—in your practice of Volksmanship.

They consist of The Schnickelfritz (or Ploy, as it is termed by some English authors), and Der Gambel, equivalent to the English "Gambit," which forms an important part of The Schnickelfritz.

In fact, the first part of The Schnickel-fritz involves what is known as TAKING Der Gambel.

This may be done in either of two ways:

1 DIVERSION, which means di­verting the topic of conversation from whatever your friend wants to discuss into areas of travel, money problems, or other subjects from which you can branch out into the virtues of the Volkswagen. It is more subtle, but less fun than:

2DIRECTION: This consists of us­ing your Volkskards, (see "Tools of the Trade," section J) which are essential to your practice of Volksmanship, and which will get things started IMMEDIATELY. Great caution is urged here, in dealing with Volkskard reaction, which is sometimes violent. Before you try the Volkskard Tactic prac­tice remaining calm in the face of laughter, hair-pulling, teeth-grit­ting, and rights to the jaw—after all, it is YOU WHO HAVE taken Der Gambel, and besides you will need to save your energy for the important task ahead: The Schnickelfritz.

Naturally, after you have won Der Gambel, you finish The Schnickelfritz. This is perhaps the easiest Volksman Tactic of all because it consists primarily of talking about Volkswagen performance, economy, beauty, etc. in the most glowing terms. Usually anecdotes based on per­sonal experience are the best tack to take here. We might add, also, that while the ultimate goal of The Schnickelfritz is to get your Unsuspecting Victim to buy a Volkswagen for HIMSELF, the beginning Volksman cannot expect im­mediate success. Just have patience, and you will win out in TIME.

While comparatively simple, The Sch­nickelfritz can be tricky and there are two things to watch out for. First, don't let anything interrupt you (see sections on Collar Grabbing, Wife Shushing and Ignition Key Swiping), until you have completed your mission. Second, and most important, remember that this is the Tactic in which absolute truthfulness is MOST NECESSARY. If you have made a 500-mile Volkswagen trip on $4.50 worth of gas, do NOT let modesty tempt you to say that it was $5 or $6 worth and so on.

GENERAL RULES

1 In the practice of Mass Volksmanship, as opposed to Personal Volksmanship, it is vital to establish Gemutlichkeit with other Volksmen. The Mutual Snicker (see page 11, footnote 101) may be used wherever two or more Volksmen are gathered together at parking lots, auto shows, or other places in which there is a large assembly of non-Volksmen. It is also a common practice among Volksmen to honk at each other when their cars pass on the street or highway. Both of these Tactics help to increase the "togetherness" of Volksmen everywhere, and to emphasize the "apartness" they have from drivers of other cars. They give the non-Volksmen the feeling that these people are having FUN TOGETHER over a secret which he does not share.

2 Dress plays a small but fascinating role in your achievement of true Volksmanship, and we suggest that whenever possible, you wear a Homburg and a monocle (right or left eye, as you prefer) while driving your Volkswagen in town.

3 The vocabulary of Volksmanship includes such words as "strudelnoggin," which may be used to designate any non-Volksman, "gemutlichkeit," and other words and phrases which are semi-ambiguous in meaning but which sound as if you were educated abroad, giving you an immediate aura of intellectual superi­ority.

SECTION J

 TOOLS OF THE TRADE

The principal tools of Volksmanship are the Volkskards which are available from your Volkswagen dealer. It is sug­gested that you memorize the printed message on each card before it leaves your possession. This is to SAFEGUARD yourself against the possibility that your Dealer may be temporarily out of Volks­kards just at the time when you have planned a Mass Rescue (see fig. 15), or that you will have left your Volkskard supply in YOUR OTHER SUIT. That way, you can deliver the message vocally, from memory, with little harm done.

SUMMARY

You, too, can achieve greatness as a Volksman. If you have patience, forti­tude, gall and an adequate supply of Volkskards, there is no limit to the heights you can achieve in the practice of Volksmanship. A Master Volksman, of course, is the absolute end— the Volks­man who has actually caused one or more Strudelnoggins to buy Volkswagen auto­mobiles.